| mebbe mah first honest update EVER (or Skip This, It's Boring) |
[May. 14th, 2008|02:37 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Brookfield, CT | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Bad Dream Lover", Th Jazz Butcher Conspiracy | ] |
it's been a strange life. for th first time, my band feels like a whole (a Band, some would say) & not th sum of its parts; personnel changes have my conscience remembering easier times, but it feels Good & Right to make music w/ 4 dudes (& this omniscient dudette makes 5) who all live th same way, under th same circumstances, in th same hangouts, in th same pay grade (poverty), in th same beds, & FOR Th Music. our hearts are all in it, all our hearts are ALL IN, & 5 hearts beating in passionate unison makes for some beautiful grooves.
i've made some new frenZ. intelligent, interesting frenZ. i've entered Th Pink Cloud enough times to recognize it, but it's still lovely-- i never thought th town i grew up in could be a big enough pond to hold me; and if it is, i know anywhere can be. knowing i can build th life i want around myself anywhere i am, in spite & because of th materials @ my disposal, is empowering in a way totally new to me. ah'm not used to feeling powerful.
M: w/ Great Power comes Great Responsibility.
H: who said that? ah'll kill them w/ my power!
i've been getting along w/ Sean famously too; i think we're reconnecting by connecting on a level much deeper than mutual need, & knowing i can trust him to love & appreciate me however it plays out feels fantastic. it's ridiculous how romantic relationships (& all relationships, to a less crushing extent) are beholden to their outcome. i know it's not always conscious. it would be impossible for anyone to operate inside an exclusive (in any sense of th word) relationship w/o Th! Inevitable! Breakup! influencing their decisions. when i was w/ Andy, so many of my fears & actions were tied up in th label that i always felt dishonest w/o knowing why. Mah Gut told me over & over again that he didn't love me, wouldn't love me if he let himself take a good look, couldn't love me. Mah Head told me that i was projecting my own insecurity & self-hate onto him, & Mah Heart (Th Heart is always Th Judge, Th Jury, & Th Executioner) let itself be convinced. but in Th End, & this is still th most important thing i took away from that whole experience, Mah Gut is a genius. i understood w/o understanding that he was in love w/ His Girlfriend, not Me. i understood that he's a man who will always be in love w/ His Girlfriend, & who doesn't look for her in Th Details because he knows that's where he'll eventually run into Th Devil (Th Irony being, of course, that i knew Him & loved Him anyway). that's just who he is! who's to say he's even Wrong? (OK, i'm saying he's Wrong. but i've also been Wrong before!) i can certainly see how it would make things more manageable. if i could choose to be capable of that kind of selective insight, i would (OK, i wouldn't. but i still have a lot to learn about self-love). it was Hell on me! i went completely insane under th weight of that insult, behaving in ways i will never live down, until i could turn it into something productive. & here it is: if somebody knows who you are & still loves you, if you can trust them to keep loving you after th sex & th greedy needy stuff is gone, then yr a lot more likely to leave them when you want to. it ain't much, & ah'm sure not everyone will have any reason to apply it, but there it is.
ah'm off Th Rails a foot or two, but this is relevant to a lot of shit my parents have had me wading through lately. living w/ them has brought back more from my adolescence than i ever cared to remember, but this time it's much clearer. i think th point i'm trying to make is that a lot of my relationships are looking up, & that's likely to give anyone a more optimistic outlook than they'd normally have... or read Growth into social potency, or what-have-you: Th Pink Cloud. Th Reason i'm convinced that ah'm not mistaking some fleeting mania for a more lasting trend of control is in th negatives. my relationship w/ my folks hasn't improved; it's probably gotten worse. but now it seems obvious to me that we used to fight all th time because, essentially, i want them to be smarter than they are & they want me to be three years old. i know exactly why, exactly what i used to do to contribute to th problem, & exactly what it benefits me to glean from it.
i haven't written in here in a slob's age, & that's becoming a theme. guess ah'm busy! but i miss riffing on myself, learning from people i'll probably never meet but feel strangely close to, making snide remarks @ th people who i can always count on to miss Th Point.
i've been living cleaner, clearer-headed, more & more in th daylight. it's a subtle change, a shift, but i hope it lasts. i hope i can make it last! th relationships i'm forming are more rich & filling; & though i know communication on any level between any two human beings relies on whatever personas they create & assign as their vessels, i @ least try to sneak as much of ME in there as i can w/o fearing th results. i had a dream not long ago that my Self, whatever that is, stood up on th banks of mah soul, heart, vertebrae, cerebrum, whatever, & raised its little staff Moses-style to part th unfathomable fathomless sea of characters i've been in order to interact w/ & impress others, & then marched proudly through it to some unseen destination beyond my skin where it would find itself @ Th World's mercy; @ anyone's mercy but mine. mebbe it would be safer there!
mebbe it didn't make it that far, but passed each persona it had outgrown & only approached Th Light w/o stepping into it. mebbe it even clocked those fake fuckers in their metaphysical kneecaps, a really removed kind of asceticism (you think about it; this metaphor is already spread thinner than an anorexic hooker) & a really immediate kind of accountability. ah'm coming to terms w/ my growing need for people w/ whom i can discuss what i truly think & feel, which means ah'm On Th Hunt for minds that can @ least understand my ideas & can @ most burn them down: EVOLVE MEH! DEVOLVE MEH! peace is hard!
i think th moral here is that i feel as though i have a beginner's grip on how i've tended to let th things about me that set me apart from other people alienate me from them rather than offering up my offer-ables. i've got both hands around th idea that there's no way in which a relationship SHOULD operate, that th very expectations we have of each other can oppress & objectify; but i also understand that there are people who would use that realization as an excuse to always act selfish or cruel. first you realize, then you rationalize. fuck that! ah'm gonna live kindly, accountable to th people i've convinced to trust me, finishing what i start but free of some jerk who'd jerk me around like epilepsy. dig? i wish i could express this more concisely. @ least it's happy in mah head.
P.S. Happy Birthday, Max. ah'm sorry i missed it. i didn't forget, i just didn't realize how deep into May we are until right now. ah'm a bum, but i trust you to love me anyway, th same way i love you. |
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manic
hopeful
drained
tweaked
groggy
bummer bitch
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
confused
cracked out
mixed episodic